Maneuvering Life's Storms Together in Marriage
Anyone married long enough will come to periods of storms in their journey. These are times that challenge our commitment, and when words alone seem to fail. It may be times of financial difficulty, trouble with children, unexpected events and circumstances. If not dealt with effectively, they can affect the emotional oneness and stability of a couple. During these storms, it becomes easy to blame one's spouse and to allow negative emotions to affect the quality of the relationship.
Like a skilled sailor who knows how to navigate and maneuver through the storms of the ocean, so couples must learn how to conquer these periods. Couples can maneuver the storms of life by anchoring their ship, getting rid of extra weight, tightening the important things and staying on course.
An Anchored Place
Songs of Solomon 2:4 - He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love.
To maintain emotional oneness in difficult times, couples should have an anchored place. An anchored place may be a location or time when couples meet to share their thoughts, affections, and encouragement with each other. There, spouses can come together without distractions from others, including children.
The anchored place is a getaway spot from the things going on. It is not a time to plan, although ideas may foster. Rather, here we reminisce on the purpose of our union, and the values we share. While the world bustles and whistles, we capture a serene moment in the midst and treasure emotional intimacy. During all seasons of life, every couple should make this a regular practice but becomes even more crucial in times of storms.
It may be a place the couple goes together at least once per week. Or, a convenient time set apart for this purpose. For some couples, the anchored place is a favorite spot, such as a quiet dock overshadowing a beautiful lake. For others, it's time spent together after the kids are asleep, and even spending an extra hour sitting in the car. Sometimes creativity is needed in finding such a place. While the storms are going on all around, this anchored place will be a time of continual and stable emotional bonding.
Lighten the Ship
Sometimes to keep the ship afloat, sailors have to get rid of unnecessary cargo. During periods of storms in a marriage, couples should remove the influences of burdensome weights.
These weights may include people, some with good intentions and others with bad intentions, who speak destructive things into a married person's life. The advice they give is often detrimental to the marriage relationship. They may be friends or family who may say things such as, "you are better off without him or her", or "ever since you married him or her it's been trouble". Couples should not allow negative people to speak into their marriage.
Instead of negative folks, married couples need to surround themselves with those who speak positively into their lives and circumstances. People who have navigated the course of life and have experience in overcoming obstacles are well equipped to offer strength. Mature believers, relatives, and mentors who can be trusted are the people that couples must build relationships with, during the storms of life they will be a source of support and guidance.
Besides people, extra weights may also be activities that take away from the marriage relationship. These include making promises to do things for others or taking up too many functions in a community. It could also be constantly spending extra time on a job. Each partner in the marriage must ask themselves: "what are the things I'm doing that I don't have to do" and "what are things I'm doing that God has not told me to do." During the storms of life, couples need to spend quality time together and allow nothing to take away from getting a closer bond.
Tighten What's Important
Amid difficulties, the marriage relationship should remain a priority. The relationship between a husband and a wife must be first before children, family members, in-laws, friends, money, and jobs. Difficulties are not excuses for neglecting the responsibilities of marriage. The reason for this is that unhealthy marriage relationships will negatively impact all other areas of life.
During periods of storms, therefore, couples should focus on keeping the marriage strong. It is easy to get focused on all the other difficulties going on while disregarding the health of the marriage. We must tighten the marriage relationship during storms; couples should draw closer together.
Evidently, keeping the marriage strong can only be done as God and His will is kept paramount. We should not compromise this. Rather, a vital relationship with God will be a source of incredible and increasing strength during these critical times in life. From a relationship with God certain values flow. Values are convictions that a couple decides not to compromise even through the worst of times. The unity of the marriage, for instance, is a value; therefore, divorce should not be an option. Families also value their spiritual life and the godly nurturing of the children. In addition to a relationship with God, and the unity of the marriage, couples should hold to at least three to five things that they value, and are therefore non-negotiable even in the worst of times.
The values of our family for example are:
The Spiritual Life of the Family
An Intimate Marriage Relationship
Godly Nurturing of the Children
Quality Family Time
Financial Stability
Know your Destination
Even in the storm, skillful navigators know how to stay on course. They may have to make some turns, and some stops, but because they know where they are going, they can finish their journey. Couples should also have a vision of where they are going so that in the storms of life they can move on confidently to their destination.
A vision is a picture of where you are heading. Visions have the stirring ability to keep one going despite the situation. Husbands and wives should have a mental picture of where they will be in the next five, ten or twenty years. Husbands who are the leaders of the home have the responsibility to raise that vision but can also have the input of the wife. Through seeking God's purpose for the marriage, and understanding the family’s needs now, and toward the next generation, visions are born. Along with being known, visions should also be talked about and rehearsed. For us, there is not a week that goes by in which we do not talk about where we see ourselves.
The vision must cover the spiritual, financial, and social state of the family. The questions to answer are: for the spiritual state, what do you expect to be accomplishing for God in the future? How do you want the children to relate to God? For the financial state: How do you see the family financially in the future? What kind of financial decisions will you be making? What assets do you hope to own? What would you like to leave as an inheritance for your children? For the social state: How inviting do you see your home being to others? What functions or traditions will be held at your home? How involved will your family be in community functions? How do you see your family influencing neighbors and friends? Through answering these kinds of questions, and others the Lord will lay on your heart, the vision for your marriage and family will be formulated.
Once a vision is in place constant goals and strategies should be planned and implemented to achieve the vision. The strategies and goals include the methods that will be used to accomplish the vision. What daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly tasks will you and your spouse put in place to accomplish the vision God has placed in your hearts? For instance, scheduled family devotions may help fulfill the vision for your family's spiritual future, and rationing monthly savings may help fulfill the financial part of your vision. The core essentials of the vision should not change, but the goals and strategies to reach it constantly changes, as a couple reviews their progress. A vision known, strived after, and kept in memory builds hope, and keeps the mind out of despair and discouragement.
Storms Create Unforgettable Memories
Although difficult times require energy and work to maintain a healthy marriage, they create great memories for the couple that remains diligent in times of storms. Some of the most memorable times in my marriage were when my wife and I drew closer together in times of hardship.
If you and your spouse remain faithful to each other during the storms of life, you will have many unforgettable memories. Treasure those memories and do not forget them. Write them down if you need to. To keep these times in memory my wife and I talk about them every now and again, especially during a low period. Those memories can be a source of strength in other times of difficulties.
